Dreams.

I have two kinds of dreams.
First, the big dreams.
I want to be a succesfull clinical-slash-industrial and organizational psychologist, I want to be a writer and have my own best-seller novels, and I want to be rich enough so I can give enough money to the needy or adopt some unfortunate children and put them in the best school I know.
Those are my ambitious dreams.

Second, I have a more simple dreams. But in a way, this is more important than any other dreams I have.
I want to be a devoted wife and mother.

I want to be a career woman who still have time to, at least, always prepared my husband and kids breakfast.

I want to be a wife who's waiting on her husband at home, ready with the warm drink and hands to massage his tired muscles.

I want to be a wife who's never nag. Who always face the obstacles with smile and encouraging words. I want to be that strong.

I want to be a wife who's never fight with her husband in front of their children.

I want to be a wife who can always discuss problems and honored opinions from every family members.

I want to be a mother who always tugs their children at bed and kisses them every night.I want to be a mother who read her children bedtime stories, because I believe in the power of dreams and imaginations.

I want to be a mother who's not afraid to say 'I love you, kiddo' to every kid that she has, and make no one feels left behind or unwanted.

I want to be a mother who's not feel too proud about herself and able to say, 'I'm sorry. I was wrong. Just like you who still learn to be a child, I'm still learning to be a mother too' to her kids when she makes mistakes.

I want to be a mother who will always able to accept their children, no matter what they will become and whatever choices they have. I just hope that I will raise them good enough to make them know what's good for them.

I want to be a wife and a mother that her husband and kids feel safe and secure enough to trust. I want to be the first person they will come to when the feel sad or happy and wanna talk about it.

I want to be a mother who can keep up with her kids. To be a mother that understands her children's world and know when to give them space or to hold them tight.

And, I want to be a wife that my husband will be proud to have.
A mother whom her children will say, 'my mother is my strength'.

I have a mind and a heart of my own..

Dear future me,

just a quick reminder for yourself. Someday, a couple years from now, you will become a wife and a mother. I am sure you'll start to understand the difficulties of being a mom and a devoted wife. Something I haven't fully grasp till now.
And soon, you and your husband will grow old, and the kids grow older. You will go through many life cycles. First day at schools, graduations, first boyfriends / girlfriends that your kids bring home. And I'm sure the latter will get you worry the most, because you don't know whether they will be decent enough for your kids or not.
And of course, your concern will become bigger as their relationships getting more serious and they are in the age of marriage-ready. You will try to think and select people who you think deserve to be your future in-laws, and despise the ones that you don't think deserve to be in your family.

BUT future me,
please remember this.
Your kids have their own minds and hearts.
You are a strong and a smart person, and you've taught your kids to be tough and smart too. You've gotta believe in yourself, that you have raised them as best as you could and they have grown to be good enough people.
Trust their judgments, because they will be the ones who really know what they need.
Respect their choices, because even if it's a mistake, it was a mistake they need to make and learn by themselves.
As a parent, your job is to be beside them and support them. To be happy when eventually they make the right choices.
But also to catch them when they fall into their own mistakes. Many people will point their fingers and say "I told you, so!". When that happen, dear future me, please catch your kids and hug them. Tell them that it's okay, and mistakes are meant to be made so we can learn to be wiser in the future.

Last thing, future me.
Don't forget how you feel when you are younger and in love.
Don't forget the sadness and confusion when your own parents judging your choice and made you feel incompetent of making your own decision.
Don't put your kids in the same position.
Be gentle and understanding.
Always talk to your kids and try to understand their own point of views.
And be there for them. That way, your kids won't feel any need to put distance with you and feel utterly alone.

See you in the future :)

One and a Half Year..

Him, On telephone:
"Selamat satu setengah tahun tanpa berantem, pacaar.."

Me, On telephone:
"Oiyaa. Alhamdulillah yaa kita adem ayem aja hehe."

Him:
"Pacar emang gak ada yang mau dikeluhin apa, dari hubungan kita?"

Me:
"Gak ada. Hehe"

And the conversation continues..

Hours later..

Me, on my mind:
"Well, my dear boy. I've got nothing to complain.
You've been a perfect companion for me. What's not to love from you?
You've met every expectation I have and even beyond.
You're just imperfectly perfect for me :)

Happy One Year and a Half..

Hey, Kiddo..

Self Actualization Theory dari Carl Rogers:

Saat bayi, seseorang mengembangkan kebutuhan akan positive regards, yaitu kebutuhan untuk mendapatkan penerimaan, kasih sayang, dan persetujuan dari orang lain, terutama dari ibu. Positive regard sangat penting untuk perkembangan seorang anak, karena perilaku mereka diarahkan oleh seberapa banyak kasih sayang dan cinta yang mereka dapatkan. Seorang anak akan mempersepsikan ketidaksetujuan orangtua akan perilaku mereka sebagai ketidaksetujuan terhadap siapa diri mereka. Sehingga pada akhirnya mereka hanya akan berperilaku dalam cara yang menghasilkan positive regard dari orang lain, walaupun hal tersebut tidak sesuai dengan diri mereka yang sebenarnya. 

Rogers mengatakan bahwa walaupun ada beberapa perilaku anak yang mungkin pantas mendapatkan hukuman, namun kasih sayang seorang ibu harus tetap diberikan secara penuh dan tanpa syarat; dan tidak tergantung dari perilaku seorang anak. Dengan melakukan hal tersebut, seorang anak akan merasa bahwa ia sudah bisa memenuhi kebutuhan akan positive regardnya dan akan berusaha untuk memberikan positive regard kepada orang lain. Terpenuhinya positive regard tanpa syarat juga akan membuat seseorang mengembangkan konsep diri yang lebih positif.

So, kiddo. We may haven't met yet. I haven't married your father yet, and I don't know when will we finally meet each other. But I promise you, that I will give you my unconditional positive regard. Instead of saying:
"Kamu nakal banget sih. Karena kamu nakal, mamah akan hukum kamu."

I will say this to you..
"Hey kiddo, you know that I love you, right? And I will always love you no matter what you do. But you have to learn that some actions bring consequencies. Stealing candy is wrong, because you took what's not yours. So, as a consequence, you can't have dessert tonight."

Sumber: Schultz, D.P., & Schultz, S.E. (2009). Theories of Personality (9^th ed). California: Wadsworth.

The Effort That Count the Most

Received something in my mail this afternoon.
It's a present from my boyfriend for my birthday.
He couldn't come to Jakarta on the day of my birthday,
and I got so busy with case reports too, so we postpone our rendezvous.
Instead, he send the present first.

It was a very lovely purse, from a brand called Donini.
he still amazed me sometimes by his skill of buying a perfect gift :3
And not just the gift. Agi also sent me a birthday card.
The first birthday card that he made by himself.
Haha, honestly. He is the sweetest guy I know.
Kinda goofy sometimes, but also the kindest and the most gentle.

Thanks, tall man. I like it very much :)
Not just the purse. But most of all, the gesture and the effort that you put in it.
Smochies!

I Won't Give Up On Us

When I look into your eyes

It's like watching the night sky

Or a beautiful sunrise

There's so much they hold

And just like them old stars

I see that you've come so far

To be right where you are

How old is your soul?

I won't give up on us

Even if the skies get rough

I'm giving you all my love

I'm still looking up

And when you're needing your space

To do some navigating
I'll be here patiently waiting
Too see what you find

'Cause even the stars they burn
Some even fall to the earth
We've got a lot to learn
God knows we're worth it
No, I won't give up

I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily
I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make
Our differences they do a lot to teach us
How to use the tools and gifts we got
Yeah, we got a lot at stake
And in the end, you're still my friend
At least we did intend for us to work
We didn't break, we didn't burn
We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in
I had to learn, what I've got and what I'm not, and who I am

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up, still looking up

(I Won't Give Up - Jason Mraz)

Thank you for the phone call, the conversation, the sweet patience,

and the reassurance that everything will be okay.

You have that gift. A power to always make me feel better.

And maybe the world didn't know..
But I know, and we know, how hard you work, trying to prove our worth.
And God knows too. He knows how much we're worth it.

Love you.

Let the Past Stay

I don't know about the future.
We might or might not still be together.
All I know right now is, you are what really matter.

But even when the day come when we're not together.
Please, don't erase me and let me stay for a while.
Let me occupy a small space inside you.
Because what we have always matter.
Whether we are together or separate.

All those small moments. 
Silly laughs.
Life prints of what we have and already going through.
Everything matter.
it's un-erase-able.

cheers to the past, present, and future.