Life's Update

Hello!

It's been a very long time since I really, seriously writing a comprehensive story in this blog.
And today, at 00.52 AM, I don't t think I have sufficient time to write long post,
So I just want to update several things.

I know that maybe nobody ever read this blog again, since I've also abandoned it for a long time.
But for years, this blog is a witness to all big things that happen to me.
All the stupid infatuation and heartbreak. 
The first time I'm falling in love. First boyfriend.
Another heartbreak and realization that maybe love can not win over distance.
And the moment when I knew I've found the One. 
The one person who's willing to stand by me. 
Who fought his hardest even when we are separated by hundreds of miles and still love me the same, if not more :)

So, today I just want to share you some updates about all the good things (Alhamdulillah) that happen in my life so far.

1. I've graduated from Master degree of Adult Clinical Psychology in 2013. This is a dream that I've been hold on to since I was in 3rd year of Elementary School, and finally I can call myself a psychologist. I'm falling in love so much with this profession.
2. Agi and I are already in our 4th year and he makes me so happy. There are a lot of dramas and tears that was cause by conditions around us. But thankfully I have a strong and kind-hearted boyfriend who always told me that everything will be okay. And he was right. 
3. We both work REALLY hard to prove to everyone who doubted us, that we can make it. We become better when we're together and this last one year we pour all our heart, soul, sweat, and tears trying to make better lives for ourselves and gain approval from whomever disagree.
4. August 2015 we finally gather our families and start planning our marriage (yeay!). It's still a long way to go with lots of preparation to make, vendors to choose, and money to gather, but it feels like a fun journey, because I get to do it with one person who always makes everything feels better. 

So there you have it. I'm so thankful for everything that happen, because every little journey count. 

I really want to make posts about our wedding preparation, but I don't think I have enough time (nor the energy!) to write regularly in this blog. besides, we're hiring Wedding Organizer to organize the details, because we're so lazy and tired to handle all the micro details by ourselves haha.

See you later guys. May happiness, health, and prosperity surround us everywhere we go :)

Cheers!

YOU.

I hate you.
I really hate you.

Once you told me that what you did to me, is because you care about my happiness.
Because you want me to be happy for the rest of my life.

But I don't believe it. Not anymore.

Because you never, even just for once in the last three years, did you ever ask
"Are you happy? Does he make you happy?"
"Is he a kind person? Does he kind to you?"
"Can he be a good imam?"

NO.

You never asked that and you don't seem to care, whether I'm happy or miserable.

Instead, for tenth of times you keep ask
"Why can't he buy car already??"
"Does he have a house of his own? How big? 
It must be a small house in a crappy neighborhood, yeah?"
"What do his parents have?"
And the list goes on with lots of other materialistic questions.

So yeah, I hate you.
I hate you for contributing only in giving me misery,
and taking away the only thing that makes me happy.
But you don't know that, do you?
Because you never ask, and just making judgment based on your own narrow point of view.

I hate you.
Because you have a kind parents who never put up a fight about who you want to be with.
I hate you, because you can married easily and at such a young age.
I hate you, because despite all your talking about wanting me to have a fine gentleman,
You're the one who ended up with a crappy husband.
The one you can not stop complaining about, for all these years.

So why should I listen to you?
When the reasons behind all these nagging is not my happiness but instead, it's all about you.
It's all about me having perfect someone, so you can bragging about it to everyone.
Just like the way you bragged about my achievements and my work.

So, I hate you.
Because everything always has to be about you. 
About what you want, what you need, and what you decide.
And I'm about to have enough.

Inconvenient Truth

Photos and stories are important to me.
It's like a milestones, a marker on how far I've gone in life.
That is also the main reason of why I wrote this blog.
It documented every bitter and sweet moments in my life, 
no matter how inconvenient it is. To me or to anyone else involved.

Lately, some people I know asked me to take down some of this blog's contents, 
because they thought it's no longer relevant. 
Because what I wrote in those posts are happened in the past and they said it might cause some inconvenient to other people.
And I've considered that, because I've been thinking about deleting some of my posts for quite some times too.
But I never be able to do that.

This blog is an archive of my life. 
Of course there are many things happen in my life that I didn't documented here, but still, this blog holds some important parts of memories, thoughts, and pictures that I don't want to forget.
Not because I can not let go of the past, but because no matter what happen and how our lives turn out now, memories shaped me to be who I am right now.
And I want to be able to remember it. To go back to the hurts, smiles, loves, tears, and laughs that I shared here.
To know that at certain points, I had all those kinds of thoughts and done all those kinds of things.

So, I guess for now, I can not take down any posts or contents in my blog.
The photos and the posts will stay as it is.
But I did make certain adjustments so my posts wouldn't be popped up too easily in search engine and be linked with certain names that's already in the past.
But I can't do more than that. 
Sorry for the incovenience truth.

They said curiosity could kill a cat.

Young and Foolish

I know I'm still young.
I know that I live quite a sheltered life, that I haven't know the harsh and bitter part of the world.
I know I'm naive enough to think that life is still full of rainbow and flower, and still believe in the goodness of everybody.
But is it really wrong to think like that?
Is it wrong to believe in the kindness of people?

I know that there are a certain wisdom that comes with age.
As you get older, you see more parts of the world.
You experienced more, and learned more. Hence, the wisdom.

But, do wisdom and knowledge only come to old people?
Can't we the youngster have a wisdom, too?
If we're so naive and foolish, do that mean that we can't make our own decisions?
Is being old means your order is absolute and you don't make mistakes anymore?
Is defying your words means that we, the youngsters, will be damned?
Is it possible that once in a while, we be the right ones and you be the wrong ones?

Sorry for the rambling. These are just some questions that come into my mind when I think about some disagreement that I have with older people. I just got so confused with our culture and the sayings that old people always right. Because, is it true? Does getting old mean that you will be gifted with a definite wisdom where you can not make mistakes or false judgment anymore? Will I get turn into a rock, just like Malinkundang if I try to defied them?

But what if their decisions turned to be a mistake?
What if old people was just a human that still able to make mistakes?
Do they ever think that when they making that decisions for me?
Do they ever think for just a second, that the decision they insisted on me could turn to be a mistakes?
And who will live with that wrong decisions?
Them?
No. It will be me.

Then why don't they just let me live my life?
I know I'm still young.
I know that I never really live for myself.
I don't really know how does it feel to work 24/7 to support your children,
how it feels to pay bills and worry about loans.
I know that I never quite understand why spouses often fight with each other
instead of just learn to accept their decision to marry one another.
I know I still have a lot to learn about life,
and there are no amount of college degree will be sufficient to taught me that.

But that's why I have to make my own decisions.
There will be a lot of mistakes, but that's how I'm going to learn.
I will never know what I really need in life, because that's God job.
But, neither will other people.
And instead of living with other people's decisions, I rather live with mine.
It will be a lot easier to accept your own mistakes, rather than the ones people put into your life.

So, old people. Parents, aunts, uncles, and other beloved old people. Just give enough trust to us, the youngsters, and adopt some humility. There are no absolute truth in this world, no matter how old you are.

I'm Proud of You

"I'm proud of you, Dea. Sebagai seseorang yang mengenal kamu sejak S1 dan kemudian menyaksikan perkembangan kamu di S2, saya merasa sangat bangga bisa mengenal kamu dan melihat perkembangan kamu. Jujur, sebenarnya saya sempat terkejut saat melihat kamu lagi di S2, karena kamu tampil dengan sangat berbeda sekali dengan Dea yang saya kenal saat kamu S1 dan sedang membuat skripsi. Dulu kamu nampak lebih tergantung dan dependen dengan lingkungan kamu. Tetapi kamu yang sekarang, terlihat sangat matang dan dewasa.

Saya senang sekali kamu memutuskan untuk bekerja dahulu selama satu tahun, baru mengambil S2 kamu. Karena menurut saya itu adalah keputusan yang sangat tepat sekali. Bekerja membuat kamu lebih dewasa dan dapat menyesuaikan diri dengan baik. Sekarang kamu tampak sangat siap dalam menjalani S2 ini. Menurut saya, kamu adalah sedikit dari beberapa orang yang saya nilai siap untuk masuk ke bidang ini dan menjadi seorang psikolog.

Kamu menuliskan laporanmu dengan sangat baik dan saya pernah bilang kan sebelumnya? Kamu memiliki kemampuan menulis yang baik dan saya tidak punya masalah dengan apa yang kamu buat. Saya juga sangat terkesan pada saat saya memberikan kamu suatu tantangan, dan kamu mampu melaksanakan tantangan tersebut dengan sangat baik. Pada awalnya saya sempat ragu dan berpikir, apakah Dea bisa melaksanakan yang saya minta. Kamu juga sempat menghilang dan saya berpikir bahwa kamu pasti sedang mengalami kesulitan. Tetapi kemudian kamu datang kembali kepada saya, dan memberikan hasil yang memuaskan. Saya terkejut tetapi juga sangat bangga kepada kamu, karena kamu bisa melaksanakannya.

Saya tidak pernah memiliki maksud untuk mempersulit kamu atau laporanmu. Tetapi saya melihat adanya potensi dalam diri kamu, dan saya yakin bisa meningkatkannya hingga optimal. Oleh karena itulah saya terus memberikan kamu challenge, agar kamu bisa menjadi lebih baik lagi. I'm proud of you, Dea."

Kalimat ini diucapkan oleh salah seorang dosen yang saya kagumi. Dia adalah seseorang yang sangat super pintar dan selama melakukan bimbingan dengannya, ada begitu banyak 'pencerahan' yang saya dapatkan mengenai apa yang harus saya lakukan dalam menghadapi klien saya, ataupun bagaimana saya harus mengembangkan pola pikir dan sudut pandang sehingga saya bisa melihat segala sesuatunya dalam gambaran yang lebih besar. Proses bimbingan dengan beliau sangatlah menguras semua energi intelektual saya, tetapi di sisi yang lain hal tersebut juga membuat saya menjadi lebih baik.

Dan diakhir bimbingan, dia mengatakan semua kalimat tersebut. Wow. It really boost my motivation.Selama proses pendidikan yang sudah berjalan 1.5 tahun lebih ini, saya masih sering merasakan kekhawatiran dan keraguan, apakah saya benar-benar bisa bekerja sebagai seorang psikolog profesional nantinya? Semakin saya belajar mengenai psikologi, semakin saya menyadari bahwa ada begitu banyak hal yang belum saya ketahui, dan ketidaktahuan tersebut akan berbahaya di lapangan. Sedikit banyak keputusan saya dapat mempengaruhi kehidupan seseorang, dan keputusan yang salah dapat membuat mereka kehilangan potensi diri yang sebenarnya masih ada. So, yeah. I'm still scared to really work as a clinical psychologist.

Tetapi hari itu, ketika beliau mengatakan semua hal tersebut, dia memberikan sedikit kepercayaan diri kepada saya. Saya tidak pernah menyadari hal-hal yang ia katakan, dan tidak tahu bahwa ia memandang diri saya dengan sangat positif karena saya merasa masih cukup banyak melakukan kesalahan ketika melakukan bimbingan dengannya. Tetapi mengetahui bahwa ada orang yang percaya dengan kemampuan saya, membuat saya juga menjadi lebih percaya dengan apa yang saya miliki.

So, thanks, Mba. Thanks a lot. It really was my honor to learn from a super smart people like you :)

Dreams.

I have two kinds of dreams.
First, the big dreams.
I want to be a succesfull clinical-slash-industrial and organizational psychologist, I want to be a writer and have my own best-seller novels, and I want to be rich enough so I can give enough money to the needy or adopt some unfortunate children and put them in the best school I know.
Those are my ambitious dreams.

Second, I have a more simple dreams. But in a way, this is more important than any other dreams I have.
I want to be a devoted wife and mother.

I want to be a career woman who still have time to, at least, always prepared my husband and kids breakfast.

I want to be a wife who's waiting on her husband at home, ready with the warm drink and hands to massage his tired muscles.

I want to be a wife who's never nag. Who always face the obstacles with smile and encouraging words. I want to be that strong.

I want to be a wife who's never fight with her husband in front of their children.

I want to be a wife who can always discuss problems and honored opinions from every family members.

I want to be a mother who always tugs their children at bed and kisses them every night.I want to be a mother who read her children bedtime stories, because I believe in the power of dreams and imaginations.

I want to be a mother who's not afraid to say 'I love you, kiddo' to every kid that she has, and make no one feels left behind or unwanted.

I want to be a mother who's not feel too proud about herself and able to say, 'I'm sorry. I was wrong. Just like you who still learn to be a child, I'm still learning to be a mother too' to her kids when she makes mistakes.

I want to be a mother who will always able to accept their children, no matter what they will become and whatever choices they have. I just hope that I will raise them good enough to make them know what's good for them.

I want to be a wife and a mother that her husband and kids feel safe and secure enough to trust. I want to be the first person they will come to when the feel sad or happy and wanna talk about it.

I want to be a mother who can keep up with her kids. To be a mother that understands her children's world and know when to give them space or to hold them tight.

And, I want to be a wife that my husband will be proud to have.
A mother whom her children will say, 'my mother is my strength'.

I have a mind and a heart of my own..

Dear future me,

just a quick reminder for yourself. Someday, a couple years from now, you will become a wife and a mother. I am sure you'll start to understand the difficulties of being a mom and a devoted wife. Something I haven't fully grasp till now.
And soon, you and your husband will grow old, and the kids grow older. You will go through many life cycles. First day at schools, graduations, first boyfriends / girlfriends that your kids bring home. And I'm sure the latter will get you worry the most, because you don't know whether they will be decent enough for your kids or not.
And of course, your concern will become bigger as their relationships getting more serious and they are in the age of marriage-ready. You will try to think and select people who you think deserve to be your future in-laws, and despise the ones that you don't think deserve to be in your family.

BUT future me,
please remember this.
Your kids have their own minds and hearts.
You are a strong and a smart person, and you've taught your kids to be tough and smart too. You've gotta believe in yourself, that you have raised them as best as you could and they have grown to be good enough people.
Trust their judgments, because they will be the ones who really know what they need.
Respect their choices, because even if it's a mistake, it was a mistake they need to make and learn by themselves.
As a parent, your job is to be beside them and support them. To be happy when eventually they make the right choices.
But also to catch them when they fall into their own mistakes. Many people will point their fingers and say "I told you, so!". When that happen, dear future me, please catch your kids and hug them. Tell them that it's okay, and mistakes are meant to be made so we can learn to be wiser in the future.

Last thing, future me.
Don't forget how you feel when you are younger and in love.
Don't forget the sadness and confusion when your own parents judging your choice and made you feel incompetent of making your own decision.
Don't put your kids in the same position.
Be gentle and understanding.
Always talk to your kids and try to understand their own point of views.
And be there for them. That way, your kids won't feel any need to put distance with you and feel utterly alone.

See you in the future :)